The Buzz about Janet, Miss Jackson if she's nasty

Like many people across this great nation of ours, I too was shocked by what took place during the Super Bowl Halftime show. That's right shocked. Shocked to find out that so many people actually watched the Halftime show.

Halftime is when you're supposed to stretch your legs by hitting the kitchen, bathroom or liquor store with the free time available. It gives a chance for men to talk to their wives with no mention of the status of snack treats. The out-of-shape guys head to the street for their yearly toss of the pigskin only to find out just how out of shape they are. But really, it's mainly about alcohol. It's supposed to be the day of the year that the most alcohol is drunk, but no one seems to have a problem with binge drinking in front of the children, so let's move on.

I never saw the incident take place because I was busy during halftime, but that didn't stop me from seeing it. Oh, no. Every television program had to make sure that they ran the video until the metallic particles came off the tape. It's the new Howard Dean yelp. The new Madonna-Britney kiss. (Sidebar: Christina Aguilera took part in a kiss as well that night, but the idiotic director for MTV cut to Justin's reaction. I'll get to other idiots at MTV later.) I saw the wardrobe malfunction on Countdown with Keith Olberman, Scarborough Country, The O'Reilly Factor, Hannity and Colmes, CNN, Access Hollywood, and Entertainment Tonight. Of course I was well versed in the situation because it was discussed on the radio by Bill O'Reilly, Larry Elder, Tom Leykis (who didn't see what the big deal was), Jim Rome and alleged drug trafficker Rush Limbaugh. Of course, while at work I got to see it on MSN, Yahoo!, IMDB.com, and the coup de gras, the Drudge Report who had a great shot of it and also a sweet close-up of the bejeweled nipple. And people call him a Conservative.

Now the nipple was covered, so what was the real harm? Is it that we very briefly saw 85% of a breast(on Sunday)? Where is the outraged citizenry when we are looking at 35% of a boob on a cheerleader? Maybe it's a numbers thing, let's see, the median would be 60%, so there's a gray area that needs to be looked at and I'm willing to do my part by looking at "slightly just over half" uncovered breasts because, in the words of that songwriting patriot Lee Greenwood, "I'm proud to be an American where as least I know I'm free." Just not free to flash my breast on live television. Let's be honest, an exposed boob is only sexual in the mind of the beholder. If any women out there don't believe me, send in a photo of your breast, with or without nipple shield, to elbicho@maskedmoviesnobs.com and in front of a panel of experts I will illustrate that I can look at a breast in a purely clinical manner. Anyone wishing to be an expert can email me at the above address also and for a nominal fee you will be entered into the "MMS Panel of Experts" drawing.

You hear people outraged that the Halftime show, this American family tradition that I never knew about, has scarred them. Why is anyone shocked that MTV put on a show like that? Did they not hear the line-up? Kid Rock, P. Diddy, Nelly. I could pick three drunks out of a karaoke bar with more musical ability. It was obviously going to be untalented hacks bumping and grinding like dogs in heat. MTV barely plays any good music anymore. Parents should sit down with their children and show them what good music is, but then these same parents were probably buying crappy pop music when they were growing up. Instead, have the kids check out the Masked Music Snobs website.

Where's the outrage at the blatantly sexuality in the commercials? Where's the letters to the FDA that they would allow a product on the market that has a warning about four-hour erections? Sure, it's a great excuse not to cuddle, but shouldn't groups like Americans who Sleep on their Stomachs stop their work on the "Don't Eat Right Before Bedtime" pamphlets and rally the troops?

I'm not going to talk about the cover-up of the uncover-up. The truth about what happened, which we all knew already, is slowly coming out by way of press release attrition. Not much will happen to the bigwigs because they will have a wall of denial that all the smart ones install. Janet has to fall on the sword, so all the corporations will look better. But will someone tell Timberlake to shut up. The more he talks, the more of a buffoon he appears. He talked all bold like a hotshot right after the set, but once the backlash started, he cries that he had no idea what was going to happen. How did the lace just come apart with no tear, Einstein? His family was upset by the show. Do they not go to your regular gigs, whitebread?

Also, a memo goes out to Tom Freston, the chairman and CEO of MTV Networks. If you want to keep up the aura of plausible deniability, don't plug your TV programs when talking about the incident. While speaking during a panel discussion with other entertainment executives this week he said, "We were punk'd by Janet Jackson." I was surprised he made no mention of when the show Punk'd was appearing on the schedule. What a Jackass.

Before I sign off, can anyone tell me who won the game? I never heard the outcome and have wagers outstanding.

~El Bicho