Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros

After reading the brief synopsis offered by the PR company, I presumed I was requesting some type of sexploitation Z-movie, but once Dr. Bikini Jones (Christine Nguyen) and the female security guard (Brynn Tyler) agree to have sex and take off their clothes in under six minutes, I realized I was watching softcore pornography.

Written and directed by Nicholas Medina, a pseudonym for the prolific Fred Olen Ray, the story details the adventure of Bikini Jones (I'm not clear where the name comes from because I don't remember her appearing in one) working for the CIA as she attempts to locate the lost Temple of Eros ahead of the villainous Evilla Cruella (Heather Vandeven, Penthouse Pet of the Year 2007). The temple houses the Tiara of Aiysha, which will bestow upon the wearer the title of Empress of Moronica, although what that means escapes me, assuming it was mentioned.

Along the way, Jones has sex with the aforementioned security guard; by herself in the shower; with her assistant from the agency, Carol (the busty Rebecca Love); and concludes with a three-way between Evila and her henchman Drago (Frankie Cullen), although their climax isn’t the film's, which finds them encountering a CGI dinosaur. The creature's appearance, probably one of the larger costs in the budget, is rather funny. It's too bad there are not more laughs, even unintended, because all the non-sex scenes are insufferable. However, maybe the makers thought laughter would kill the mood the movie is intending to set. The cast members have very attractive bodies, and for those only interested in the sex scenes, skip to chapters 3, 6, 8, 12, 14, 17, 19, and 21.

Much like non-alcoholic beer and decaffeinated coffee, I have never understood the appeal of softcore pornography. I get that hardcore can be too graphic, but the simulated sex of backs of shaking heads during oral, bodies smacking together and grinding away during intercourse, and feigned sounds of pleasure are so unreal to me. Much like seeing curving roads in the rear projection while the actor steers a car straight, I am unable to suspend disbelief during these scenes, which appear to be the draw considering how terrible the acting, story, and dialogue usually are. If I had flipped by this on Cinemax, I would have kept on going, so while I present a negative review, I admit I am not the audience for this product.